Grief

This week I have been grieving. I have been on the verge of tears many times this week and am just feeling a little bit melancholy. The Lord has been close though, so much so that I can feel Him at moments.

The pictures above are of the kids' bunk beds and the dresser that I painted for Ally. When Andy went into the kids' room this weekend and started dismantling the bunk bed and pulling the clothes out of Ally's dresser, I literally had to just walk away and wash dishes. It really got me. I wasn't prepared for such intense emotions that are connected to our stuff. And I guess for me, it's not really the stuff that I will miss necessarily, it is all the memories that come with these things. Saying goodbye to these things is saying goodbye to a season of life. I won't have these things to remind me of the memories. Four years in this house and I don't regret any moment of it. I'm just glad I'm doing it now.

I'm just being honest with you all. I am VERY excited about this new season of adventure and traveling but I'm also sad and realize I need to grieve and be a normal human being. I think a lot of people put "missionaries" in a separate category or something and believe everything is honkey-dorey, or that nothing phases them as they follow the Lord. WRONG! Following Jesus is hard in many ways and if it weren't for Him, I wouldn't do it.
I was having some time with the Lord yesterday and He said to me, "When you lose things for Me, I will always replace them with beautiful and eternal things. But I will never be able to give them to you unless you lose them first. I can't and I won't fill a hole that is already filled. I know this is hard but it is the most precious gift you can give to me. I want all of you because I want to give you all of Me."
And this is really just the beginning. As for leaving family and friends and not knowing if we will ever be back permanently, I haven't even begun to think about that.
So, if you think about me, just pray that I would stay real. Real in the sense that I let myself cry and be sad for a little while and let Jesus tell me when it is time to move on.