Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Grief




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This week I have been grieving. I have been on the verge of tears many times this week and am just feeling a little bit melancholy. The Lord has been close though, so much so that I can feel Him at moments.
The pictures above are of the kids' bunk beds and the dresser that I painted for Ally. When Andy went into the kids' room this weekend and started dismantling the bunk bed and pulling the clothes out of Ally's dresser, I literally had to just walk away and wash dishes. It really got me. I wasn't prepared for such intense emotions that are connected to our stuff. And I guess for me, it's not really the stuff that I will miss necessarily, it is all the memories that come with these things. Saying goodbye to these things is saying goodbye to a season of life. I won't have these things to remind me of the memories. Four years in this house and I don't regret any moment of it. I'm just glad I'm doing it now.
I'm just being honest with you all. I am VERY excited about this new season of adventure and traveling but I'm also sad and realize I need to grieve and be a normal human being. I think a lot of people put "missionaries" in a separate category or something and believe everything is honkey-dorey, or that nothing phases them as they follow the Lord. WRONG! Following Jesus is hard in many ways and if it weren't for Him, I wouldn't do it.
I was having some time with the Lord yesterday and He said to me, "When you lose things for Me, I will always replace them with beautiful and eternal things. But I will never be able to give them to you unless you lose them first. I can't and I won't fill a hole that is already filled. I know this is hard but it is the most precious gift you can give to me. I want all of you because I want to give you all of Me."
And this is really just the beginning. As for leaving family and friends and not knowing if we will ever be back permanently, I haven't even begun to think about that.
So, if you think about me, just pray that I would stay real. Real in the sense that I let myself cry and be sad for a little while and let Jesus tell me when it is time to move on.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your thoughts, cousin. Your honesty speaks to me. Know that you carry the community which created those memories with you as you follow the Light.

Sheila said...

Your post brought me to tears...I guess because it's such a sweet, tender, and yes, painful love walking with Jesus. When I hear it expressed in others, it's like I've found another foriegner in this land that speaks the language of heaven my heart speaks too...

Thank you for vulnerably sharing this. One of the evidences that I'm tender towards my Lord and have given myself to him is the pain and tears that come with tenderness. You can be tender towards Jesus without grief and pain...yet, it's sweet isn't it?

One of my favorite verses:
He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him. Ps.126:6.

Weeping with you...with a smile of confidence in the sweetness of following Jesus!
Sheila

Sheila said...

oops! bad typo. i meant, "you CAN'T be tender towards Jesus without grief and pain...

kristian & katy said...

wow.
thanks for sharing. i am so sentimental and can only image how tough that is.
great reminders for us all...

Andrea said...

((((((Serenity)))))))

Crying for you right now friend. I feel so selfish, forgive me for not asking how your week was...I love you, and I am praying for Abba's comfort, as you grieve and say goodbye...

C & G said...

Oh Seren -
What a wonderfully rough place to be in. I'm glad that the memories will stay in your heart . . .

Sold the bug today (not really baby friendly :) so I'm with you letting go of my earthly stuff!

Peace of Christ to you!

Erica said...

I just found you and your husbands blogs through the Woodburn Independent. (my hometown, randomly checked the paper) I'm excited to follow on your journey - amazing to see Gods people following His call. I'll be praying for all of you as you embark on this new adventure with our AMAZING Saviour.