Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sweet Mary

Mary's story, her life, and her purpose resonates with me deeply. In a strange way, I feel connected to her and hope to one day sit and talk with her while we sit with Jesus.

My God story began with a child. And this child has been my lifeline to Jesus. There has been much suffering, grief, confusion, and despair at times, but I joyfully accept my Father's redemption of her death. Being a lifeline to her here on earth, gave her the right to hold the lifeline to Jesus for me as she now sits with Him in Heaven. Yes, God can turns ashes into beauty.

I chose to abort at the age of 18. I was a scared little girl and no where close to knowing who God was. This is the part of my story that is far from Mary's story. She kept the baby and chose to be courageous.

But this is where I can relate with her story. The grieving of His death, the sacrifice of motherhood, the sorrow and joy that He is her lifeline to the Father, the idea that her child's death saved her life.

If you have a hard time with abortion stories or have an even harder time listening to someone say that God brought good out of it, please stay with me. This is hard for me to write, knowing that some may go away confused.

I don't know what my story would be like if I had not had an abortion. That isn't my story. My story is that God took my child, Redeem, whom I was too afraid to accept and too afraid to love and He found me in my dark pit. And He is now keeping and holding Redeem, along with the many other sweet precious spirits, and allowing me to wait for the final Reconciliation between her, I and Him. The in-between time is sweet, bittersweet, long and overwhelming at times. I feel pain and sadness that I would like to own, but He asks me to give it to Him. I don't deserve to Hope, but He tells me to. He promises and keeps His promises to the end. And because of this I give Him my life. I choose to trust Him with my tender heart. It's actually okay to hurt when He is holding it.

I imagine Mary (who pondered so many things in her heart) continued to grieve, to be perplexed, to be joyful, to give thanks, to mourn, and to wait for the Great Reconciliation of her and her sweet Son. The One who saved her, died for her, and now sits on the Throne. Oh, I am so happy for her.

During Advent I often ponder the amazing works He has done in my life and how He started; with a child. I wait and expect for the day to come when we can be reunited in the beautiful, unashamed, glory of His Kingdom of Heaven. My eyes turn to Jesus who holds her and I know He is waiting excitedly also.

Thank you Jesus for coming as a child. For myself, it is a sweet and holy reminder of what you have promised me and the rest of the world. Redemption, Reconciliation, and Completeness.


Thoughts for the day said...

Your willingness to share from your heart is honorable. We all have 'parts of our lives' that we would rather not share or open or expose so others will love us in a different way or see us in a different way.
You are forgiven and you are loved.
Your story is important and it is just as much a part of who you are and have been and are becoming. It is a part of your journey and you can help others through that agonizing fear. By sharing your story you honor the one who lives with Jesus. I hope it is ok to say You are beautiful...

C and G said...

Love you - love God's story of Redemption!

Sarah said...

Serenity, thank you for being real, for being honest about your experiences. May ALL things work to the glory of the Lord. You are an amazing, inspiring woman!

Shelly said...

Nissi & Redeem are in the arms of Jesus waiting for us Serenity. Your story serves to confirm Jesus' love for me and Nissi. Thank you .... you are loved.

loriares said...


Thank you for sharing your heart in a profound way. I love the "in-between" comment you made about trusting God with your pain filled heart, knowing that He holds it and that because He keeps His promises you have entrusted Him with your life. Along with you, I lift up gratefulness to Him who is able to redeem all things! He alone is worthy and worth living for.

Love you-Lori