Vulnerable

Have you had many moments of seeing your neediness and/or desperation to be known?  I get scared in these moments and feel terribly vulnerable.  I get all hot, my cheeks turn bright pink, and my blood pressure raises.  (Kind of like when I'm drinking wine except for the blood pressure thing.)  It's not really that fun for me and it takes me hours to come down from the adrenaline rush.

The other day I had a mirror moment as I shared some of my more "liberal" Jesus thoughts with a newer friend and felt my body do it's thing again.  Sheesh.  I shared because I want to be known.  I gave a little more of my heart away as I decided to let myself need someone to know me.  I floundered and was tempted a few times to back out of my thoughts but stood in a place of honesty.  And to be honest with you all, I still feel that vulnerability from the conversation. 

And the question is always, "What are they going to do with that?"  Can I trust them with who I truly am? 

No matter what, I can trust Jesus.  He knows me and keeps me close when I am afraid.  With Him I can be known in my most vulnerable state (which scares the bejeezus out of me).

Observing and Experiencing

Recently, I have been placed in a position of observing grief and suffering. I have been watching the effects of this world that has been marked by sin, death, and pain. The Lord continues to open my eyes to this reality.

With this reality, comes the Reality of hope, freedom, love and life in His Spirit. The last post I wrote expressed moments of forgetting this Reality. I can sink quickly. But, again, I have been pulled out by His Grace and given new eyes of how His Kingdom is the only REAL thing. All other things will fade away.

As a follower and lover of Jesus, full of His Spirit, I AM the Hope, Light, Freedom, Love and Life of His Kingdom. He has placed all of Himself in me and I can either walk in confidence, power and vulnerability or I can forget it all and disappear into the darkness.

It is our choice.

I choose to observe this world and experience His Kingdom. In the world, not of it.

Worry

What?! She's blogging again?
Maybe.... we'll see. I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd try.


This morning I cried in the shower. Not for long, but pretty hard. I have a lot of things and people that go through my mind these days and I am tempted to worry and get distracted from loving, right now. The temptation is to get my thoughts stuck on the problems and forget that I have a loving a gracious God who is very able to help these people/situations. I get stuck and forget for a moment or a day...or a week.

Jesus asks me to grab a hold of all of these people and things that go through my mind and bring them to Him. He says, "Do not worry." He asks me to CONSTANTLY be in prayer, CONSTANTLY talking to HIM, because He knows what my brain does. It gets stuck on people, situations, what-ifs, etc. And then because these thoughts stew, sit, and fester, it becomes really yucky.

I am even tempted to tell you all about my worries and how important they are. I will spare you.

And instead, I will ask you, implore you (this weeks vocabulary word ;)), to pray with me.

People need people, not to worry about each other, but to pray for and with one another. Let's not waste another minute.

A Blessing

By James Wright

Just off the highway to Rochester, Minnesota,

Twilight bounds softly forth on the grass.

And the eyes of those two Indian ponies

Darken with kindness.

They have come gladly out of the willows

To welcome my friend and me.

We step over the barbed wire into the pasture

Where they have been grazing all day, alone.

They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness

That we have come.

They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.

There is no loneliness like theirs.

At home once more,

They begin munching the young tufts of spring in the darkness.

I would like to hold the slenderer one in my arms,

For she has walked over to me

And nuzzled my left hand.

She is black and white,

Her mane falls wild on her forehead,

And the light breeze moves me to caress her long ear

That is delicate as the skin over a girl’s wrist.

Suddenly I realize

That if I stepped out of my body I would break

Into blossom.

This poem speaks to my soul and brings tears to my eyes every time. Beautiful.

Eyes to see, ears to hear

Sometimes, more often than not, this is all I see. An unmade bed, the vacuum that beckons my name, dirty dishes to be done, messy homeschool room, spilled milk, etc.
Sometimes, more often than not, this is all I hear. Voices that wake up sleeping Luci, slamming of doors, arguing children, stomping feet, etc.

If I allow myself to only see and hear these things, how am I ever going to see the good in anything? Why do I have to be such a Debbie Downer? Anxieties are high, stress is high, teeth are grinding, and one last straw brings mama lion out on the prowl. YIKES. It's not pretty, I hate it, but it keeps happening.

I've talked about this before, but it has been a while.

Motherhood is hard, no matter how many kids you have. But if you have the Holy Spirit and you listen to Him, it can be the most rewarding, joy filled, amazing thing of all. It is only because of Him that I can say that mothering has been a positive experience. Without Him to help me see and hear, I would be a miserable, bitter, selfish wife and mother.

With God, I can actually serve my husband and children and think of them as better than myself because He helps me see Jesus in their faces.

It's pretty easy to switch His voice off though. He's not normally screaming and hollering at me, like I do with my kids. So when I am yelling and fuming, it pretty much over-powers any other voice I could possibly hear. And I'm pretty sure my kids can't hear His voice over mine. That makes me cringe just thinking about that.

Having four children does not make me a professional. However, over the years, it has brought me a little bit lower. My inadequacies are shouted at me every day and I can either shout back at them or bow down to the One who makes me adequate. It is harder to bow down.

Motherhood is emotional and if you let your emotions lead you it will be a very lonely, hard and defeating road. I know this because I let my emotions take over more than I'd like to admit. Bad habits are hard to replace with good ones. When you are used to seeing messes, it is hard to see and put a voice to the one toothbrush that DID make it back in the toothbrush cup. Seriously.

But when you do choose to bow down to the One who makes us adequate, grace is then released and able to flow. I tend to fight and throw fits sometimes. Just thinking about it makes me laugh....and then say, 'Really?'. Like I said, habits are hard to replace. Discipline is hard to accept and put into practice.

"Discipline is the effort to avoid deafness and to become sensitive to the sound of the voice that calls us by a new name and invites us to a new life in discipleship." -Compassion byMcNeill, Morrison, and Nouwen

So to avoid being deaf and blind, I ask for strength, perseverance and courage to bow low. I want to be at a place where I can receive His grace so that I can then give Grace to those I have been entrusted with.

And praise the Lord that I am free to bow low and let it flow. (ha! I'm a poet.)

Tea time

It's amazing what a little bit of tea, sugar, cream, and mama's full attention can do.

As a mother of four I feel stretched and pulled many directions throughout the day. I have learned to love being a wife and mother. I've learned to be more content with my place, my opportunities, and my season of life. I really do love where I am at now. But often there are days when I wonder if I really took a moment to know and see each of my children. Too many days go by like that.

But I am so glad I have taken some moments and made some memories.

I pray that His Grace, Love and Mercy can fill in the blank spots. And most of all, I hope my girls grow up knowing they are loved and beautiful because they are made by a Loving and Beautiful God.

Thank you, Jesus, for tea time.

Mother's Day weekend

Cannon Beach was the destination for this last weekend. I have been looking forward to relaxing with my family at this most awesome beach house for quite a while. My parents, grandma, my sister and her hubby, and Andy and I enjoyed the scenery, good food, a few walks down to the beach, as well as lots of talking and reading. Great weekend.

But seriously, one of the best parts about the Cannon Beach beach house: kids room supplied with flat screen, cable t.v., toys, and bunk beds galore. Yes, I let my children go goo-goo eyed with cartoons. We do not have cable at home, so it is a luxury to have "good" cartoons available. Throw in a few trips to the beach to let them run and explore some good energy out, eat lots of yummy food and cartoons and my kids have a BLAST. Not only do the kids have a blast but mommy and daddy can have some moments of luxury.

I love being a momma and a wife. I am blessed to have the busyness of children and the gift of responsibility to raise them. I pray everyday for more insight, more revelation of my role in their life, and His peace that passes all understanding to fill in the many, many holes that I cannot fill. My hope is in the God who knows each of my kids intimately; so much so that His plan for their life is so much better than my plan. I pray for grace as the grow, wisdom to know when to go and when to stop, and a supernatural ability to laugh and enjoy life in every season.

God is good! Happy Mother's Day to all mamas out there.

Here are some pictures!